I was sitting in front of a classroom of eager college juniors and seniors. I was on a panel of digital professionals talking to the students about potential jobs in the tech industry and how our paths led each of us to where we are now. Each panellist lauded networking as a way to further a career in tech and explained its importance in their own professional journeys.
The students certainly seemed to grasp the value of networking, but they struggled to understand the “how.” But as they asked their questions, a new thought occurred to me–‘networking’ often feels like an ambiguous, awkward exercise in small talk. Our focus should actually be on the more intentional, personal process of building allies.
The ability to build allies may be the most valuable skill in your professional toolbox. Your allies are the trusted people around you who offer their support, assistance, advice, information, protection, and even friendship. They supplement your skills and compensate for your weaknesses with their unique abilities and approaches. They can help you view situations from a different perspective. Your allies are there when you need to work through an idea, be talked off a ledge, or when you need someone to just pause and listen.
Networking may offer new connections, but much more benefit comes from genuinely building relationships and creating allies.
But how do I create allies? Who are they and where do I start? What do I do once I’ve built these relationships? And why is this even important?
The good news is that you have potential allies all around you! The designer who sits three desks away, the VP you run into on the elevator, the new intern for your department, and your hard-working manager. Your allies don’t even necessarily work for your organization (although that is certainly advantageous when you’re trying to make change). Your workplace allies are people who share a professional interest in an important topic or area of work. Over time, and with effort, your common investment in that topic can grow into an investment in each other—and your other interests or areas of work.
It’s important to keep in mind that your allies should not and will not all be people who are similar to you. You will likely find it easy to build relationships with people who live and think as you do, but it can be a bit more challenging (and potentially more important) to build alliances with others whose personalities are different from your own. Try not to label anyone you meet as ‘difficult’ or ‘hard-to-get-along-with’—that’s not who they are. They are not by nature a difficult person; the gap that exists between you two is merely a difference in communication styles or interests, or perhaps a reluctance to open up. Your focus should be on how you can close the gap. How are you going to remove the barrier and work towards building a relationship with that person?
I remember earlier in my career, I worked with a Director that had a very different personality from my own. We butted heads often and while I wanted to build a relationship with him, I struggled because our personalities were so different! Then I had a crazy epiphany—I should lean into that feeling of conflict. I started joking that the reason we butted heads was that he was like the big brother I never wanted. Suddenly, our clashing became fun and rooted in affection. Our relationship evolved to include more good-natured teasing of one another and even some friendly, harmless pranks. While we didn’t always agree, reframing our previously friction-filled relationship allowed us to see each other in a different light. Our differences allowed us to develop a unique, fun, and valuable professional relationship.
My allies challenge me, change the way I think about things, and help me become a better person.
For many of us, the hardest part of building a relationship is simply getting the initial conversations rolling—especially for those of us who are more introverted. A simple way to start is to just find something around which you two can connect. Our best and strongest relationships often begin when we are genuinely interested in getting to know the other human.
Find something in common
Find an interest that you and the other person have in common. Even if that something seems random or removed from your day-to-day work. Maybe you both have seriously considered whether or not the Loch Ness Monster is real and have daydreamt of trips to Scotland to find out for yourself. Maybe you both really like South American wine, or drink caffeinated beverages in the morning, without which, you feel you would not exist. All it takes is one thing you share an interest in that you can talk about together.
Ask them to teach you something
Think of something that the other person is an expert in (or at least something they have good knowledge of) that you’d like to learn more about. It could be a work-related skill-set or a hobby that you find intriguing. Then, simply ask them questions about it. People love being able to share what they’ve learned with others. And learning about their passions and interests will both teach you something new and help you get to know the other person much, much better.
Expose your human self
Another way to build a connection—especially with folks who are a bit more reserved—is to set the example of openness and vulnerability. At various moments throughout your day, consider sharing your thoughts and feelings with the other person. I formed a relationship with a new employee at a previous job just by checking in regularly. I’d send them direct messages mid-meeting like: “Gosh, did that make any sense? I’m sooo sleepy today.” or “Hahaha! That joke you just made was hilarious!” or “Ooo yeah, what an astute observation you shared!” Saying what you really think and feel is what builds the openness, trust, and vulnerability that are the foundations of any strong relationship.
Keep in mind that, while you can try to build relationships with just about anyone at work, that doesn’t mean you should or have to. Some people just won’t be willing to connect with you on that level. And that’s okay. Some people may stonewall your attempts to build a relationship. That’s okay too. Once you start reaching out and getting to know someone, you’ll quickly get a good sense of their goals and values. Learning more about what drives them will help you decide whether or not to pour your time and energy into that relationship. While you want to have a diverse group of perspectives, identities, and experiences in your circle, you will find the strongest alignment comes with those whose values match your own.
So you’ve made some new work friends and you’re building strong, meaningful relationships with people who are invested in you and your goals. You’ve got a great support system and some new hobbies. Now what?
It’s time to make change! Your allies probably have great ideas for projects or initiatives they want to work on. Learn about them! Ask about their passions, desires, and goals, and think about how you can support those enterprises. (But beware of trying to do too much at once—take projects one-at-a-time to make sure you can move the needle on your shared goals sustainably.)
Share your own priorities and dreams with your allies. Let them know what improvements you’re invested in, what you’re working on, and what challenges you’re facing. Seek their counsel and perspective on things that are important to you. Continue being open and honest with each other. Think about where you’d like to see yourself and your organization and ponder how the support of your allies can propel you towards your targets. Their unique life experiences and backgrounds are sure to provide you with valuable advice.
Earlier in my career as a project manager, I remember struggling with the statements of work used by my organization. The scope of work section in our agreements was intentionally vague to allow for flexibility and iteration throughout the project. However, as the projects would go on and questions about the scope would arise, we’d refer back to the statement of work and find that it wasn’t specific enough to guide us or define the products we were building.
So I decided to meet with one of my allies—our Director of Business Development, my unofficial big brother—to figure out a way to better define and document the project’s scope, while still allowing for flexibility. After a few short conversations, we agreed on an effective solution that worked for everyone–an evolving project plan. The work agreements could retain their flexibility while the project plan would provide definition and clarity about the project’s requirements. I wouldn’t have (or couldn’t have) gotten to the solution on my own, and my lone voice certainly wouldn’t have been enough to make this kind of organization-wide change. But together, we were able to create an effective solution that was quickly approved and adopted by our team.
Sure—some of you might think that taking the time to build these kinds of alliances is either a waste of time or an unnecessary interruption in your workday. But my experience has been exactly the opposite. My allies have been an essential part of getting where I am today and supporting me through all of my accomplishments. My allies have helped me get jobs, find mentors, cultivate community groups, earn speaking opportunities, and improve processes in my organizations. They bring their unique perspectives and gently push me out of my comfort zone. They challenge and inspire me to do things I never could have dreamed of or achieved on my own.
It’s important to keep in mind that your allies should not and will not all be people who are similar to you.
When I think back on the early days of my own career, I too remember how many folks lauded networking and extolled its benefits. But just like those college students listening to the panel I was on, I never really grasped what it was or how I should do it. I thought networking meant going to as many professional events as I could and making small talk with dozens of other attendees—a prospect that felt both daunting and uncomfortable.
But as I’ve learned how to intentionally cultivate relationships with those around me, I see the difference. Networking is easier than building relationships, but more superficial. Building allies takes far more effort, but the rewards are boundless. My allies know me. They challenge me, change the way I think about things, and help me become a better person. Not only have I grown along my professional path because of the time, care, and input of my allies, I’ve also had the pleasure and privilege of getting to know some incredibly wonderful humans along the way.
When I was unsure of myself, when I faced challenges or scary new opportunities, when I needed a high-five, or when I needed some tough love, my allies have been there. We nurtured, inspired, and rescued each other. Those relationships have outlasted different projects, new companies, and moves to far-away cities. My allies are an essential part of my life. Forget networking. Instead, build a community of allies. You’ll be astonished by how you grow.
