“Put your brain in first gear before you open your mouth.”
I heard this comment from my dad a lot growing up. For Dad, a working-class boy from a steel town in England who had done well for himself, saying something that made you appear stupid was the absolute worst thing you could do. It would give you away. Prove you didn’t belong after all.
Looking back, it’s easy for me to understand that equal parts love and fear were beneath that advice, but all I heard was, “You’re not very smart, and you’d better not let anyone else know it.”
Now, let’s layer in a couple of childhood facts. I am a middle child. My older brother was great at everything he did—academics, sports, being popular, playing the trombone—you name it. My younger sister was a gifted ballerina in the making. I performed and did just fine, but it seemed I had to work 10 times harder to get a fraction of their results.
You can already see where this is going. Yep, a dumpster fire of limiting stories and beliefs around my intelligence, prospects, and right to shine.
We all have limiting beliefs, most of which were given to us by someone who held a position of power in our lives (uh, thanks!). Carol S. Dweck, author of Mindset: The Psychology of Success, states:
The beliefs we hold as absolute truth have nothing to do with us and everything to do with the fear of the person who gave it to us.
Sometimes, we smell a rat and reject an imposed limitation (my mum’s request that I remove my nose ring for a family dinner celebrating my 21st birthday got a hard “no”), but all too often, especially as children, we take a limiting belief on board, no questions asked, and build a survival strategy around it. I compensated for my “questionable intelligence” by working harder than everyone else, never being late, and priding myself on knowing how to look/act/respond to any social situation.
Now, I’ve done a whole lot of therapy, coaching, and professional development that has helped put some serious ground between these limiting beliefs and behaviours and embracing the value and potential I truly possess. But what I realized on my professional and personal journey to becoming a business coach, ADHD life coach, and mum of a kid with ADHD is that neurodivergent folks experience this need to fit in and be “acceptable” much more intensely and have a whole lot more at stake. This neurodivergent-specific coping mechanism is known as masking.
ADHD masking is about conforming to neurotypical standards to avoid the shame and stigma that continue to plague the condition
Not surprisingly, masking is exhausting. Not only does it involve denying the basic goodness, value, and beauty of diverse humans and brains, but it also puts an unnecessary burden on an ADHD-ers already challenged executive function.
Instead of using their well-documented creative, problem-solving superpowers for good, our neurodivergent colleagues and friends are forced to deplete their focus by masking to fit into a world not designed for them.
As a neurotypical person who supports neurodivergent folks, I see the challenge and solution as twofold:
- Defining ways to better support our neurodivergent fellow humans in reclaiming their gifts and showing up fully and unapologetically as they are.
- Educating neurotypicals on how to create safe and supportive spaces, processes, and work environments for folks of all neurotypes to thrive.
Clearly, this topic is bigger than I can do justice in one article, so I will approach it through the lens of “mindset” and how neurodivergent folks can use this amazing skill to re-frame and move through difficult emotions and thoughts.
Mindset is a term that gets bandied around a lot, so let’s clarify the term. I will defer to the renowned psychologist Carol S. Dweck, known for her groundbreaking work and development and popularization of the concept of the “growth mindset.” Dweck describes mindset as:
A simple belief about yourself [that] guides a large part of your life. In fact, it permeates every part of your life. Much of what you think of as your personality actually grows out of this mindset [and is] what may be preventing you from fulfilling your potential.
In its simplest form: Your mindset gives rise to your thoughts. Your thoughts give rise to your actions. Your actions impact the trajectory of your life and work.
Mindset → Thoughts → Action
In my personal and professional experience, creative professionals of all stripes and neurotypes are walking around with a bunch of limiting stories and beliefs around their ability and right to thrive personally, professionally, and financially. If mindset truly does give rise to thoughts and thoughts give rise to actions, ground zero for meaningful change is always the mindset.
So, how do you shift your mindset? One limiting belief at a time.
The great news is shifting your personal narrative is an inside job and can support you in positively impacting your external experiences. If you’re up for it, I’d love to share some questions that will help you make some big shifts in your own beliefs and experiences. Let’s use the example of a neurodivergent person who is experiencing challenges and/or masking in the workplace.
Part 1: Mindset
Grab a pen and piece of paper and answer the following questions:
How to support our neurodivergent peers at work
Safe work environments begin with supportive interactions and communication. Here’s our resource on ways you can show up to support our neurodivergent team members.
What’s the most absurd belief you hold about yourself and your ability to thrive at work?
Where did you get that belief? Was it from a parent or caregiver? A teacher? A boss?
What made that person worth listening to on this particular topic? Was it their wisdom, or was it the fact that your security, protection, paycheck, or source of love came directly from them?
Do they identify with the challenges you are experiencing? If so, can you bring curiosity to how they were treated?
In what way is the belief you have about yourself ridiculous and untrue?
What is a truer belief (even if it feels like a stretch)?
List all the evidence (actual or inner knowing) that supports this new and improved belief.
What came up for you? Write that down, too.
If you’re ready to process the next step, let’s move on to your thoughts.
Part 2: Thoughts
Have you ever wondered why thoughts like “I want to show up more authentically” or “I want to get better at time management” don’t stick for long? Within the context of mindset, one reason might be that you’re trying to create different thoughts from the same belief system. Please trust me when I say I’ve tried, and it simply can’t be done!
Let’s pick a thought to work with:
I want to get better at managing the administrative side of my projects so I can get the promotion I want.
The first step is to get all the underlying stories around your administrative skills out of your head and onto paper. Maybe they include:
I don’t prioritize this aspect of my job → I’m not leadership material.
I always leave everything until the last minute → I’m a flake.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t motivate myself to do this stuff → I’m undisciplined.
Things slip through the cracks because I’m not tracking emails and Slack → I’m unreliable.
You can see how these stories might result in self-doubt, procrastination, or self-sabotage, right? Let’s turn this mean-talk into something you can work with:
For each limiting belief or story that comes to mind, write down a truer, better-feeling statement. For example:
“I don’t prioritize this aspect of my job. I’m not leadership material.”
Becomes:
“This aspect of my job is not my unique brilliance. I excel at diving into a big, juicy challenge and developing innovative ideas and solutions. I bet I could apply my problem-solving skills to developing better ways to do the administrative work I don’t enjoy.”
If you’re skeptical that some mental and verbal gymnastics will make any difference to your reality, I hear you. But here’s the thing: when you bring compassion and awareness about who you are and how you roll, you start thinking and speaking about yourself in more expansive, kind, and self-liberating ways. And that influences the people around you and how they treat you.
Which brings us to the final step.
Part 3: Actions
Let’s recap:
- You’ve investigated and challenged your limiting beliefs.
- You’ve changed the thoughts that typically arise from those beliefs from limiting to expansive.
Now, you will define actions that align with your improved beliefs and thoughts. Let’s use the new thought we used in part 2.
“This aspect of my job is not my unique brilliance. I excel at diving into a big, juicy challenge and developing innovative ideas and solutions. I bet I could apply my problem-solving skills to developing better ways to do the administrative work I don’t enjoy.”
What conditions would you need or actions you would need to take for this to be true? Some examples might include:
I would need to communicate how I work best, for example:
- physical environment
- learning and communication style
- how you best process information
- how you receive feedback best
- how you need projects and deadlines to be broken down
- the support you need, from whom, and when
This may take the form of a Personal Operating Manual. Or perhaps it’s a frank conversation with your boss or a colleague.
You might join a community of Neurodivergent professionals and learn what strategies have worked for them. While each and every brain is different, there are universal challenges that only your people will fully understand.
You can work with a therapist to release some of the negative messaging and learn to love and appreciate your unique brilliance.
You may seek career or business support to identify the right role and trajectory for you (you’d be amazed how many folks work in roles that are wrong for them!).
You might choose a couple of trusted colleagues to show your true self.
These are just a few ideas. Get into your flow and let all your brilliant ideas and inner guidance shine.
While I hope this framework supports you in showing up as your full self, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that gaining more self-awareness and acceptance is hard and ongoing work. And please hear me when I say this: it is NOT your responsibility to create a world that is more accepting and accommodating of your unique brilliance. The only part that is yours to own is figuring out who you are and how you shine and having a few clear ideas of how others can best support you.
If a conversation with a boss or colleague doesn’t go the way you hoped, don’t lose heart. Realizing (as I did) that neurotypicals cause harm and oppress those with different neurological presentations without even realizing it is not something everyone is ready, willing, and able to see and do something about. That’s their work, not yours.
We all carry our share of limiting beliefs, and divesting from those beliefs and asking for what we want and need is ongoing work. I hope this concept, framework, and action steps support you in revealing what you need to be your brilliant and unique self!
