Freedom. It sounds great, but what is it? Obviously freedom is just a word like any other. For instance “Dog toffee.” In many ways these are just the same and that is why freedom can be confusing. I suppose it might be easier to ask the question: “What does freedom mean?” The problem with questions is they always lead to more questions.
Like, “What do you want for dinner?” and you probably say, “I dunno beans or something,” and then the next fucking question is “do you want salad with it?” Which leads to, “Do you want it in a bowl or on a cup or shall I just throw it at you from the kitchen and you can catch it in your mouth like a big seal?”
![](https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2240&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1568&s=1178414e086fc4551b0f98b5086e8005 1568w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=4481&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=3136&s=88015d0c305fe5706e20ed44968871cb 3136w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=6722&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=4704&s=3a7d4a588c7bf9233dc99b5847db2a57 4704w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1463&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1024&s=4f269a12ea3c7266e2bcb6ef1c37e233 1024w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2926&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=2048&s=6e4382c8280aafaafc7049577805c68f 2048w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=4390&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=3072&s=cede5856f3b958a0f140a9a3fc95594d 3072w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1094&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=766&s=8a151c679e344a3ca2e3367d1505a4d5 766w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2189&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=1532&s=20c476da1dd7f372d45660d18afc24f7 1532w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=3284&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=2298&s=000f2350b161afee3eaa84754a181b8a 2298w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=640&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=448&s=6443ce61d439ade8b99c88af3a211860 448w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1280&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=896&s=6b70a93a31a1b62e55d88e8ea85ad71d 896w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc02.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1920&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=1344&s=9ad8bc607960ccbd055c70a62813cc2a 1344w)
![](https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2530&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1568&s=3dcce20dddd812635ba3e0d3e798158c 1568w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=5061&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=3136&s=1ea091762564d71be2c055c0d9339922 3136w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=7591&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=4704&s=0231bf24bcd08334587c706463834fca 4704w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1652&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1024&s=ba68f5d01d18bdb8b3c0f9fbc09c839f 1024w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=3305&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=2048&s=c277e9c891ba8d5ed38f517d588f1043 2048w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=4958&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=3072&s=834026cf479069c982f3ed863801f577 3072w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1236&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=766&s=47e36d173619eb9472ddf1ffbfa99f30 766w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2472&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=1532&s=4141ca599937c1a49c545a07910f3dca 1532w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=3708&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=2298&s=29778d6327600734dfa552dfc0396839 2298w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=723&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=448&s=e7d6459d1bed1b7c7ad41682643938e4 448w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1446&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=896&s=00ecc947a2c7ca91d3b5618c1b1c6183 896w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc03.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2169&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=1344&s=50dacbca53b16732fe90374f0b36d114 1344w)
That is the big problem with freedom really. It involves choices. Choices are time-consuming and tiring, especially if all of the choices are not worth choosing or you can’t be bothered to think about salad.
Here in the People’s Democratic Republic of Shopping, we love freedom. We love it so much that if other people don’t like our freedom we go and punch them in the face with bombs until they do. Freedom is like that. Sometimes it sucks to be the unfree person when free people are jumping up and down on your head, even if they are doing it for your own good.
Guns are a big part of freedom. If you haven’t got a really big one, somebody who is more free than you might come and try and jump up and down on your head. The problem is if everyone has a fucking gun and is trying to be more free than everyone else, it turns into a very unrelaxing situation and even the freest people in the world need to relax sometimes.
In our western supermarket conglomerate democracy, you are free to choose between fifty different flavours of margarine and smoothies. Good luck with that.
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In the film, “Wild at Heart,” somebody does a little dance wearing a jacket made out of snakes. The person says, “This is a snakeskin jacket, it’s a symbol of my individuality and my belief in personal freedom.” Not for snakes, it isn’t.
There are two types of freedom. Nice freedom and nasty freedom. You can probably choose…if you have a big gun or if you aren’t a snake.
Nice freedom is just consensual sex stuff between adults and not jumping up and down on people. Nasty freedom is about being an asshole because you can.
Those choices again, huh? Did you think freedom was just a walk in the park? No FUCKING WAY! Freedom is quite hard… especially for people that have been in jail since they were born. When they get out they are confused by trees and margarine. Some people that have never been to jail are confused by freedom, too. Now we’ve got the science out of the way, let’s look at the facts.
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For some people, freedom is walking down the road in a comfortable dress and feeling a nice breeze on their thighs. For other people, freedom is a bit like an airport with lots of cameras and tense lines of people getting strip-searched before going on holiday. Freedom is amorphous and wafty, like a cloud and, like a cloud, it looks like many things to many different people.
Some people say, “LOOK, that cloud looks like a cow.” And other people say, “No it doesn’t.” Often this ends in a fight.
Freedom is hard to punch and it is difficult to go to war with because actually it is all in your mind. Like a dream or something else that doesn’t exist in a way, but sort of does. Freedom is like women in Tampax adverts and, because of that, freedom is bad for the people who feel a bit weird about that stuff (mainly men). In the olden days when women were talking to the moon in a gang, they used to all go and live in a comfortable shed at the bottom of the garden for a while and do knitting and plot revenge while the men fought bears and talked about their feelings. Now there are no bears and everyone has forgotten how to knit. That is why freedom has changed into the internet and abstract feelings about wanting to keep chickens and “the good old days.” I had a girlfriend once and I built her a nice shed at the bottom of the garden but, weirdly, I ended up living in it instead because she said if I liked freedom so much then I could go and get used to it by myself.
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Freedom is sometimes fried, occasionally boiled, sometimes eaten raw like a salad AND EVERYONE PRETENDS TO LIKE IT BECAUSE IT IS GOOD FOR YOU.
Birds are free but they still have to flap their wings when they fly, otherwise they crash and that can be tiring, too. Joplin said: “freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose” but once I was in a bar and I accidentally spent all my money on booze and some wisecracker said I was free and I started crying because I couldn’t pay the rent and I got evicted from my bedsit the next day. Because it can be so confusing, sometimes people just pretend to like freedom but really they prefer it when people tell them what to do so they can say it is not their fault later when it all goes wrong.
![](https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2221&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1568&s=26cd4700fb2b9d4d5c1a56a266c26fb4 1568w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=4443&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=3136&s=715811fe97e59de92a27b4be09c83692 3136w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=6665&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=4704&s=e05d2426d76b12b7c822b2fd3693eaa3 4704w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1451&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1024&s=368da13fdbdaa219da0cf9682f209b5f 1024w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2902&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=2048&s=8b0c6003a80f3c67a34e9867851541c9 2048w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=4353&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=3072&s=7c0736752f0b87cf6b7b355b7488ebb3 3072w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1085&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=766&s=c1a64f29c53244f12277c295562e9fe6 766w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2170&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=1532&s=47c941e12902eee10942f0b9a9fca91a 1532w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=3256&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=2298&s=01fecae972492f8503d0e8b2cfbb0749 2298w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=634&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=448&s=c8854ad4ac4a96aca9435011edf6907f 448w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1269&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=896&s=a945981a5c9e61912d7067759198c704 896w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc12.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1904&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=1344&s=9375de0c7e8b5ab7f18f0d3f0a8eb8ab 1344w)
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![](https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2367&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1568&s=bee7238335eb26d1009373f0ac88c4f0 1568w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=4735&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=3136&s=830503ce2e9b2a603f965667b21cf4be 3136w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=7103&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=4704&s=a48cf621c3f5580b5929fc578ced396d 4704w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1546&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&w=1024&s=5846d1d6bbc6be7a56485f07956ce665 1024w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=3092&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&w=2048&s=f0a525aeb224be8a237165176c40fa2e 2048w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=4638&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=41&w=3072&s=3714a1faad85b52a7f32d5b6b46432dd 3072w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1156&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=766&s=fd6ee08e790d3ea328ad22e4de42a14c 766w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2313&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=1532&s=027106b0ee7bbf7bf9414e5f58888666 1532w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=3470&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=2298&s=040ae659b4b408a15b3b9189aa493640 2298w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=676&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&w=448&s=58fcb30a1774847ec82c181aa71d082e 448w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1352&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&w=896&s=a0953c7bda02c7d5ee120e29d59593e5 896w, https://louderthanten.imgix.net/articles/wc14.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=louderthanten.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=2029&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=30&w=1344&s=ed01167a3bf4350fbffd9df872892219 1344w)
Playing the Bass With Three Left Hands
Will Caruthers
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Book of Jobs: A collection of autobiographical short stories about hard labour and artistic endeavour.
Will Caruthers
Freedom is a bit like being in a forest without a map. There are trees and squirrels and they all seem happy enough, but it is raining and getting dark and you are a bit scared and hungry and you don’t want to sleep on the ground because of spiders. People say that art is freedom but they have obviously never tried to record an album in a forest with no electricity.
Pretty soon you’ll be running back to boring old civilization saying sorry and asking for your old job back and then you’ll spend the rest of your life telling stories about the ten minutes when you actually were free. Inside, you might feel a little bit sad, but now you have a fridge and prescription drugs and sometimes those things can make you feel quite free even if you aren’t.
Freedom is probably best left to the professionals. That way when it all goes horribly wrong for them, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and relax in the cozy prisons we endure in the name of safety.